A borderline relationship can be passionate but also challenging. The systemic family therapist Marthe Kniep gives tips on what to look for as a couple.
In a relationship to be a person who is at a Borderline personality disorder sick, can be very intense and passionate, but also demanding and even stressful.
Anyone who is with a “Borderliner” would do well to deal with the diagnosis and the related properties of the sick partner. Because there is not one typical course that you can reliably adjust to. This personality disorder has many faces. Meeting them is a challenge.
Borderline relationship: emotions fluctuate strongly
Those affected have in common that their emotional instability can also be expressed in unstable interpersonal relationships. Often quick and unexpected changing moods, behaviors and goals of a sick person sometimes make it difficult for a partner to react appropriately. He always has to adjust to different poles of his partner’s emotional world, on the changes of which he has little influence.
However, this does not mean that a partnership under this star is doomed to fail. But it will be demanding in any case and intense feelings can be expected on both sides.
The pleasant side of a borderline relationship
In “good phases”, many borderliners convince with their winning and open nature. And exactly this ability to do a lot Passion, dedication and great feelings a person suffering from borderline thrilled with flirting and Data enormously. Many have great talents to embrace, are very charming and (at times) ready to give a lot of themselves. Some also show great sexual interest at the start of a relationship.
The conflicting side of a borderline relationship
But sooner or later the partners experience the dark side of the disease. Emotional slumps – often for no apparent reason – lead to deep crises with suicidal thoughts. The initial desire for constant proximity is suddenly withdrawn, sometimes without an externally recognizable reason being visible. Withdrawal, rejection, devaluation or jealousy await the partner who is still in great demand.
No partner can fill the emptiness felt by the sick. And so there are breaks and helpless attempts to help the other out of his hole. But he can only do it himself.
For this reason, a life in a borderline relationship often runs in one Alternation between attraction and repulsion. The confusing message in it is: “Come here and go away!” So very ambivalent, which is why you can hardly please it. Anyone who tries to do so runs the risk of losing sight of themselves.
Helpful tips for a borderline relationship
- In order to be able to stay with a sick person internally, you need the ability to own needs and limits perceive, formulate and also create against the resistance of the other. That means that as a partner you have to learn with Symptoms to deal with the partner in such a way that one does not constantly step into the partner’s often experienced dramatic behavior and thus becomes compassionate.
- The healthy partner also needs a good sense of when it is time, temporarily to go awayin order not to become too victim of the destructive side of the other and to give him time to get through his crisis. Therefore advisable separate apartmentsin order not to feel like they are at the mercy of each other and to have retreats.
- It can also help to develop a common plan on how to deal with it as a couple, for example when it is time to go to a clinic. Then it is good if there is one in the sick Emergency plan there that he can implement himself. Otherwise, a partnership can be very stressful if one has to “deliver” the other over and over again.
- The self-esteem of the healthy person has to endure that one can be an angel and a devil for the sick. It is not always easy to attribute the pronounced injuries to the disease. To the Self protection many have to learn to endure longer periods of radio silence.
- So that social contacts do not suffer too much, the close one should Circle of Friends inaugurated so far be that he responds appropriately to possible dramas and can develop a certain understanding of the disease and the resulting behavior. Because a partner must also take care that the temporarily engaging nature of the other can also lead to other social contacts being neglected.
- It is also important to keep an eye on that Finances to have. Separate accounts ensure that periods of euphoric illness do not cause both of them to go to ruin.
- Safe and confident handling also applies to behavior in the case of self inflicted partner injuries and suicide threats to develop. In this context, psychological counseling and participation in family groups are informative and strengthening.
- A decision for a borderline relationship should therefore be carefully considered. A longer one “Trial period” can give some air to deal with the clinical picture and to speak to the other. Depending on the age, course of therapy and the severity of the disease, many affected people can speak very reflectively about what their life looks like and where difficulties can arise with others. Of course, this makes it easier for a partner than if the shock about the diagnosis is still fresh and no handling has yet been learned.
Separation of a borderline relationship
Breaking out of a borderline relationship can be a lot painful and nerve-wracking his. Firstly, because you know how lovable the other person can be and he didn’t choose his illness. It often leads to feelings of guilt when people consider leaving someone else because of the consequences of their innocent mental illness. But in some cases it is necessary so as not to get sick yourself.
The other problem is that as a partner you usually invested a lot to find a way to live with the sick person. Therefore, many people only admit that things cannot go on like this if they themselves have suffered from their partner’s illness and the consequences for their own lives for a long time.
In addition, the pronounced separation with the person who has left is one existential crisis can lead. The fear of a suicide of the sick partner as a result of the separation weighs heavily and the fear is not unrealistic, even if the announcement is often left unanswered. But who can be sure? Often, the sick person is overwhelmed with messages and calls of highly emotional content and the involvement of the circle of friends in details that are often reproduced very one-sided or falsified. Accusations, intrigues, defamation but also oaths of love and big promises – everything is possible as a desperate attempt to either win the other over again or to successfully “reject” them.
In order to survive such a time well and to deal responsibly with the other despite separation, it can make sense to Separation ideas to announce to the therapist and in the family environment of the patient. Perhaps the partner cannot be prevented from going into a crisis. But you can choose the frame and the words in such a way that he or she does not feel rejected as a person and because of his illness, but because the needs were not constantly compatible.
Sometimes there is one Abort to the sick ex-partner so that the dramas stop and both sides can more easily come off. In order to remain firm in your decision as the person who has ended the relationship, it is helpful to look for a network of people who can listen well, empower and bring other thoughts.
Help with a borderline relationship
Here, those affected are helped to find therapy places: www.borderline-netzwerk.info
Portal for relatives of borderliners: www.borderline-angehoerige.net
If you have self-harming thoughts or feel depressed, you can get one from Telephone counseling Help. It is anonymous, free of charge and available to you around the clock at 0800/1110111 and 0800/1110222. The consultants can show you ways out of your difficult situation. In an emergency, you should go to the nearest hospital or call the emergency doctor on 112. Remember: You are not alone and there are people you care about. Together you can do it!
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